A collection of some of the most funniest quotes available out there. These are sure to tickle your funny bone and make you think at the same time. Take a look at what people had to say to make it into our Top 20 Short, Funny Quotes list. Enjoy!

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" – Edgar John Bergen 

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." – Anonymous 

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." – Whitney Brown 

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough." – Les Dawson 

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." – Ilie Nastase 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh man...I could be eating a slow learner." – Lynda Montgomery  

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." – Tommy Lasorda 

"The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on." – Robert Bloch 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." – Henny Youngman 

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped." – Anonymous


"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." – Henny Youngman 

"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell." – Garry Shandling 

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." – Jimmy Carter 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'" – Tommy Cooper 

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." – Jack Handey 

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." – Agatha Christie 

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack." – Demetri Martin 

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!" – Milton Jones 

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." – Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest." – Anonymous

If you loved this, then check out our Top 20 Simpson Quotes